The Brit, The Baby, and The Hooker
by Chunk127
Summary: Following Saint's Row 2. Gat has a typical night on the town. This is a crossover with Shoot Em Up I couldn't find the tag.


A man dressed in poor clothes considering he's a a currently living hobo by his own choice the clothes make the man Smith. Until last night no more or no less. Now he has to defend a lactating hooker and a newborn baby from a set of gun runners with very limited funds, especially since the pawn don't take food stamps. walked out of the thrift store at least he has bullets for the upcoming shitstorm that's about to come his way. He walks into the alley and sees the baby in a blanket and cardboard box and bits of a high heel behind a dumpster. "Fucking Hell."

Smith rolls his eyes and promptly slams the dumpster lid on the man's hands. As the beautiful brown haired woman DQ shoots up from the dumpster. "Dammit Smith!"

"What the hell are you doing?" Smith asked showing his accent.

"Trying to get some money." DQ replied. "To buy something for the baby."

"Something for the baby?" Smith asked in disbelief as an all too familiar of getting hit in the jaw hits as he's knocked to the floor.

Smith got to his feet holding his jaw looking at DQ's mark he was big for an Asian with blond hair and sunglasses. "What are you doing?"

"I'm hitting the guy that tried to break my fucking hands that's what I'm doing?" The mark responded. "You know who I am."

Smith nodded. "Johnny Gat, lieutenant of the Third Street Saints. See how you walk after I make you limp."

Gat looked at the short dark haired man with a gun pointed at him and saw the weirdest thing. "And lets see how you walk after I shove that carrot up your ass."

DQ got between this is the last thing they need right now. "Damn it Smith just let it go."

Gat looked at her and for her sake he'll let it go. "What the hell do you need fast money for anyway?"

* * *

The three enter the pawn shop Smith was in as the two guys watch DQ wrap the baby in a bulletproof vest. "A bulletproof vest is better than a crib."

"I hate to think what you'd do to get him into the right school." Smith quipped

Gat looked at the baby in wonder it's rare he sees something so new to the world there's like no kids in Stillwater. "You know I've seen a lot of crazy ass shit since I came to Stillwater this fits near the top ten."

DQ looked at him if she knew that she never would have taken him behind the dumpster. "What do you see that was more fucked up then this?"

"I guess now is not a good time to mention Zombie Lin or Carlos." Gat quipped.

* * *

Smith watched as a car pulled up and Gat caught the look in the eyes of the new people he's met. He's not gonna miss the price gouging DQ did to get the money. Gat simply smiled and walked up to the car and saw a middle aged grungy man come out with glasses along with three others.

Hertz got out of the car so much of a mess all over a god damn British hobo. Hertz starts walking when he hits something he looks and sees a giant man in a purple shirt. "Well fuck me sideways. Johnny Gat."

"And who, the fuck… are you?" Gat asked.

Hertz looked at him this was not what he wanted how can killing babies be so much work. "I guarantee you sir we have no problem with the Saints we're just looking for an English bum and a lactating hooker."

"Perhaps you've missed the message but the Saints run Stillwater nothing happens without our approval."

Hertz pulled a gun on Gat and just smiled. "Believe me I take my orders from much more then a gang enforcer. You know I'm kind of disappointed pulling a gun on you this easily. But it does explain some things don't it Mr. Gat. Like how gang members constantly broke into your house why you did nothing when Jyunichi just came right into your house and chopped your bitch of a wi…"

Gat makes one quick move with both hands and breaks Hertz's arm catching the gun as it dropped pointing it at the other two but nothing happened.

Hertz just smiled holding his broken arm. "You can never be too safe in this city Mr. Gat genetic thumbprint the gun will only fire for it's actual user."

"Well la ti fucking da for technology." Gat quipped as he punched the other man in the face and very painfully pistol whipped the other guy in the nuts before either of them could react. He turns around and sees Hertz and another guy drive off as Smith walks out with a gun in hand and shoots the two downed people in the head killing them.

"Fucking pussy with a gun in his hand." Smith replied.

Gat nodded in agreement. "Truer words never spoken now get your asses in gear I'm going to take you somewhere safe."

Gat started walking but stopped when he felt the cold steel of metal in his back. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"You know what I fucking hate." Smith asked. "When the hero trusts one guy and he ends up betraying him."

Gat looked at Smith and shrugged. "I don't give a shit about you her or that chubby cheeked wailing shit machine she's holding, not anymore. I don't even give a fuck about Hammerson's goons or Ruthlidge's toadies. I just give a damn about getting my hands on that little shit that slammed Aisha. I'm going to bury that little prick next to Shogo who might still be screaming."

Smith chose to lower the gun. For now he'll go but he'll keep one eye open as he bites down on a carrot.

* * *

To their surprise Gat led them to a church of all things. DQ looked around not believing this and muttered in spanish that they're all going to hell. Gat opened the door leading them to the basement and a whole lot of people in purple. Smith looked around and saw a white girl with brown dreadlock hair and a bandanna playing hackeysack with another African American man in purple wearing a hat.

"I thought black men don't play hackeysack?" Gat asked.

Pierce stopped seeing Gat. "Hey, it's good fun and exorcise."

Shaundi looked at the three. "Sup I didn't order any shotguns Mr..."

Smith quickly covered the young girl's mouth. "It's Smith and what the hell are you doing here Shaundi?"

Shaundi moved his hand and thought back to the nights they had, well more like him angry fucking her and her too high as a kite to care much about it. She'll never mix lota dust with absinth, never again. "I work here. So what's going on?"

Gat looked at them. "Cocky gun runners… Do you two know each other?"

Shaundi nodded in her chemically induced state. "We used to date guy never learned to mellow out."

DQ had a small smirk and Johnny just rolls his eyes. Gat's been around the city twice and still hasn't found a guy Shaundi didn't date yet. He asked his partner in frustration. "Where's the boss?"

"In the big chambers where else." Shaundi replied.

* * *

The three went into a closed off room and saw two scantily clad women in purple and red grinding something as DQ muttered under breath. "Todos vamos a un infierno especial"

Smith looked at her. "Two killers and a prostitute but yeah this is thing that will send us to hell. Besides aren't you used to seeing girls grind against a giant wiener."

Gat looked at the scene he can honestly say he's never seen two girls push against a guy like that. "Skanks leave."

The two girls got up and quickly fled the place leaving Gat looking at his boss wondering what hell was the person that pays his way was up to today. He sees the painted on black eyes and bit of red on top along with the bun. "Boss, the fuck are you wearing?"

"It's a hot dog suit what's it look like I'm wearing Gat?" Boss replied with a short fuse. The person inside not too happy with the girls' departure.

Gat needed a moment before continuing but DQ asked the next question for him. "Why are you in a hot dog suit?"

"You ever hear of S.J Walker?" The Boss asked.

Smith nodded. "Millionaire trust fund baby born with a silver spoon born up his ass. Got into film making, I think he's making a documentary about freckle bitches being bad for you."

The person inside the suit smiled. "Not anymore. Like no one knew you could become a fatass if you eat nothing but fast food for sixty days. So what can I do for you?"

Boss listend to their problem and shakes the hot dog head. "Not our problem."

"They mocked Ish" Johnny added.

"We'll make trophies of their fucking skulls."

* * *

Hertz and twenty men rushed into an old abandoned church. "Mr. Rabbit… where are you?"

Hertz quietly gulps seeing his men take on a red polka dot pattern from laser scopes. He tried to run as he and his men are gunned down from above in a hail of gunfire. "Oh fuck me sideways!"

Hertz dropped to the floor coughing up blood seeing Smith and Gat walking up to him. He sees them each pull a out a hand gun and point it at his head as a giant hotdog steals his wallet and phone. Hertz quietly gulps as his phone rings.

The Boss looked at the phone and bitch from hell came up as he held it out for the intruder. "It's your wife."

Hertz picks it up with his only remaining good hand and talks. "Hey, honey I'm on plane right now, I'll see you in an hour."

Hertz hangs up the phone and goes to give the Saint and the Hobo the finger but the two empty their clips into his head turning his skull and brain into paste. Gat let out a small smile now maybe he can go to freckle bitches all three urges checked off in one night.

DQ looked at the boss not believing someone with so much power is dressed like that. "Aren't you going to get changed?"

"It covers what I did to my hair." Boss replied easily enough.

* * *

A week later Smith and DQ sat in a dairy queen with the baby safe and sound now christened Oliver. They both look up and see the news for the day.

"The country is still reeling from a bizarre attack on Senator Rutlidge aboard his plane. Apparently the Senator's plane was attacked by a person in a giant hot dog suit and known psychotic Johnny Gat boarded Senator Rutlidge's killing all aboard while screaming Guns rule. The two are believed to have gotten their gun's from Hammerson industries where thirty lay dead including the CEO himself. Commissioner Troy Bradshaw continues to assure that our city is safe and no more attacks like this would happen. If one good thing came from it. It is that the dying Senator's wish for gun control will certainly come true. For Stillwater channel six news. This is Jane Valderamma."

Smith quietly took a drink. "Told you government was in on it."

* * *

Author Notes

Saint's Row is owned by Volition

Shoot em Up is owned by New Line


End file.
